It lulls you into a false sense of security, then tackles you to the ground. Throws you a sucker punch. Kicks you in your gut. Tells you exactly how you're NOT winning at Life, despite what you might have been led to believe.
No point going into details here, but The Boy moved out tonight. Yup, my partner and best friend in the world of almost four years pretty much turns around and walks out the door. Away from me. Away from us, and the life we built together, all the plans we made, everything.
I thought he was the one. This was the bestest and most stable relationship I had ever been in - as in, it felt like a proper relationship. We had our ups and downs, like any other relationship. But no matter what there wasn't a day where I didn't feel safe, or loved; and I'd like to think that I did the same for him. I was so sure of it, so sure of us, that I had complete faith that even if we were separated by distance - like if I went overseas to work or if he went overseas for his music - that we would still be very much together. Cuz we're tight like that.
Apparently not. It was all in my head. Hmmm...I didn't quite peg myself as being the delusional sort. Now my internal compass has been thrown asunder. I don't know which way is up, and I don't know what my gut is trying to say. It's all gone awry.
I thought he was the one. This was the bestest and most stable relationship I had ever been in - as in, it felt like a proper relationship. We had our ups and downs, like any other relationship. But no matter what there wasn't a day where I didn't feel safe, or loved; and I'd like to think that I did the same for him. I was so sure of it, so sure of us, that I had complete faith that even if we were separated by distance - like if I went overseas to work or if he went overseas for his music - that we would still be very much together. Cuz we're tight like that.
Apparently not. It was all in my head. Hmmm...I didn't quite peg myself as being the delusional sort. Now my internal compass has been thrown asunder. I don't know which way is up, and I don't know what my gut is trying to say. It's all gone awry.
I feel so sad. And empty. And lost. I've already cried enough to rival the rain we've been getting recently, and I don't have anything left.
Of course, this didn't happen overnight. It had been going on for a few weeks now, but I thought we were going to work on it. But you can only want something to work as much as the other person wants it. You can't want it on his behalf, even if you want to with all your heart. He said he wanted to try, but I have a feeling now that deep down inside he had already made up his mind.
I can't help but blame myself. Even if he told me not to blame myself. Mostly because I don't understand how he could have changed his mind so quickly. How he could just stop loving me (and adamantly so), after four years. I can only think that I must have done something so horrible, or done many little horrible things that added up into one big unforgivable lump. So horrible that he cannot overlook it, and so bad that it has now outweighed the good in our relationship. He tells me it's not so, that it's not me...but...if not that, then what?
Well, if I'm not dead yet then surely this is supposed to make me stronger. I still have my 5.2k Run for the Kids race on Sunday. I have to find some things to be thankful for.
If you're one of our mutual/shared friends and you're reading this, then I'm sorry if this has put you in an awkward situation. I don't hate him but I need to protect myself from more pain and hurt. As you can see I didn't see this coming (or perhaps chose not to).
So I'll probably not be at things that he'll be at for a bit. Not until I get better. I don't want to put you guys in a situation where you feel like you have to choose sides - I will never ask that of my friends. I'd love for us to remain friends, but I will understand if you choose to see me less, or if I don't get invited to things because he's there. But my ultimate aim is to at least reach a level of civility and possibly even friendship, so that we can all hang out and laugh together again.
Well, I guess there is nothing left to do but hang in there. Move on. Forward. Onwards and upwards. Even if it's at a snail's pace. But gosh, my heart. How it aches.
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